After I had Aislynn the question for Floyd and I had become do we really want the four we have always talked about or are we happy with our three. I had had three amazing pregnancies and didn't know any of them were coming. We had decided we wanted to feel it out. I knew I needed a couple years to recover. My body was tired and now I had three children to chase, but I was not ready to get my tubes tied because I didn't know if I was done yet. I choose to get the Paragard a non-hormonal IUD that lasts 10 years. It was a hard decision because I am Catholic and it is something that is very much frowned upon. Floyd though is not and it was what we felt was best for our family. Around March time we were thinking that I might as well get my tubes tied. We were happy with three we didn't have to have a bigger vehicle and each of the kids would be able to have their own room in our house.
In June I noticed some things that were a little off. I was very tired all the time and was not feeling sexual at all. Normal symptoms for me in my first trimester of being pregnant. I was at a friends house and decided to take a test even though I was sure I couldn't be. SUPRISE it was positive. I was so scared to tell my husband. I called my best friend first and cried to her on the phone. (She is the type that doesn't hold anything back so I figured if she was supportive my husband had to be) I also called my OBGYN right away to see what the next moves where and started using Google to research the good, the bad, and the ugly. I also told my husband right away. This is going to be a long article sorry but this is very important to me and I think there is a lot others can learn and you as well.
Let me start with what I found on Google.
To my surprise getting pregnant on this IUD was very much more common then I ever knew. I encourage everyone to do some research before using some of these contraceptives. Whether its a new form of "the pill" or some other sort of Birth Control. Not because of the chance of getting pregnant but because of the effects it can have on the pregnancy itself. See I didn't want to get pregnant but after I get pregnant that baby is my baby and I don't want to put my baby in danger.
What I read online. The good is a lot of babies are born, healthy, and keep going. The bad is a lot of women have to get ultrasounds every two weeks because they are unable to take the IUD out if it is close enough to the baby in womb. That is not as good as it could be because the cost would be out of this world. Insurances only cover so much Ultrasound cost and only so many ultrasounds. The ugly is very common for a horrible infection if the IUD is not taken out. This infection is not only harmful to baby but also to the mom.
The other procedure is to take out the IUD and babies do make it after the removal process. However, it is most common for miscarriage.
My OBGYN visits
When I called my OBGYN my midwife had me come in for HTC tests. I had to do one on the Friday and one on Monday to see if my counts where going up and I was in fact pregnant. I was pregnant so the next step was to have a small ultrasound to see where the baby was located compared to the IUD. It wasn't far from the baby and they pulled it out. Of course their was the warning of you could lose the baby after this today. I embraced it and got myself ready for a miscarriage (as ready as you can ever get) but the baby stayed and I was going to have a fourth baby! Went in a week later to find out that baby had a heart beat and it was now a "normal pregnancy". So very exciting.
The short exciting pregnancy
After all this I was so excited to be having a baby. I went to Chicago and spent a month with my best friends family and my in-laws that live there and it was a great July. Came back and my oldest son started school. My husband was able to join us for two weeks of the trip and we were able to celebrate my Daughters first birthday with all our family in Chicago. (Most of my family is in upstate NY, his family is in Chicago and my best friend who for all intents and purposes is my sister, and we live in FL) It was an amazing celebration and I used the time up there to be with my kids and my niece and nephews and I was excited to know that soon I would have a fourth.
When I came home I started getting the crib, and swing, and extra things you need for a fourth baby. (I had gotten rid of most of my baby items). It was very exciting times. We went in for our 12 week ultrasound and the baby was doing great. The baby measured 12 weeks 1 day. :) My husband and I started the name game and was figuring out what to call the baby. We were very excited at this time.
Things got ugly
A week after I had my ultra sound I had a tooth ache that was insane. I went to an emergency dentist and he poked and prodded at my teeth and then informed me I had to pay him $1000 something dollars to fix my tooth. He wouldn't accept my insurance and that is what would have to happen. I left there with my entire face swollen and called my doctors Tuesday morning. (this was Sat and Monday was labor day) When I went into my dentist on Tuesday I was immediately sent to another office to have work done. The dentist there had to pull my tooth, insert a drain in my cheek. I was only allowed to take Tylenol for pain and use heating pads because of the pregnancy. It also affected my sinus's and was causing migraines and I was a hurting unit for about a week and a half.
On Sept 11 I woke up and went to the bathroom to find my mucus plug was coming out. I was only 15 weeks pregnant so that was very wrong and odd to me. Then I was spotting. I thought I was going to end up on bed rest or something. I called my doctor and told him what was going on. He was going to call me later to see what was happening. I went about my day as normal to see if it was just old blood coming out. It stopped while I was shopping and at breakfast with my husband. When we got home my husband watched my kids and I laid down for a bit. When I woke up I was spotting again that is so backwards to what I expected. I called my doctor and he sent me to get an ultrasound.
The worst words I have ever heard in my life.
My husband and I went into the ultrasound room and were hoping for good just maybe I needed to be on bed rest or a medicine. However the words that came out of the ultrasound techs mouth were "There is no heartbeat". I heard her tell my doctor that the baby stopped developing at 12 weeks 4 days. It was the worst thing I had ever heard. I didn't want to believe it. I looked at the screen and the picture of the beautiful baby playing at 12 weeks 1 day was a gray blob on the screen. No heartbeat. No blood flow. No movement. My baby was gone. My husband and I sat in the room and just cried for about 20 minutes, we then went to our truck and did the same. While driving home I called my sister and my mom, and another of my besties. They did a lot of the calling for me from there and I just had some texts and a couple calls to make. The hardest part of the entire day after hearing the No Heartbeat was telling my 4 year old. Making him understand there was no more baby here on earth but only in Heaven with God. I told him I believe fully that his baby sibling was up praying for him and was his guardian Angel.
The Next three days.
The next day was Friday. I was a mess I cried a lot. We had to go into my OBGYN's office. I remember sitting in a waiting room full of excited pregnant women and just wanting to hide my face and be invisible. I was happy for them but didn't know how I felt. When I was called to the back I couldn't help but cry. My midwife just hugged me and told me it wasn't my fault. Though all I could think was how could it not be, and how did I not know, and what kind of mom am I to not know my unborn, still in my uterus had passed. She told me I couldn't try to change things but that I had to know it wasn't my fault and it happens sometimes so not to focus on what I did because it wasn't my fault. She then said something to me that my sister had said the night before. She said maybe this is God's way of showing you that your not done having babies. It just isn't the right time to have one. Which made sense when we were talking about getting all the procedures done. At the office they drew blood and scheduled a D&C for the Monday after. That weekend was rough. I would just hope that a miracle would happen. A heartbeat would be found or something would happen to show I still had a healthy baby in there. My intelligent part new that wasn't happening, by my heart and my faithful side just wanted it to be. I had the most amazing people praying for me and a friend who brought dinner to my house for my family for two days, and a friend who came and took me to lunch to get me away. We took the kids out and tried to experience life as normal but it was not the same. I still felt half there. I felt broken. Fully Broken. I had been so sick with the teeth and sinus's and then to find out my body didn't even hold my baby. I was an emotional wreck and just broken. Thank God for my husband and his little brother because they helped with the kids and really took care of me too. Lunch with my friend was great because we went and talked about our lives but I didn't have to talk about the miscarriage.
Sunday night passing
On Sunday night I started having contractions and about 10 I went in to use the restroom and I went into labor. I could say I birthed but I can't because birth is to me life. and there was no life in what was coming out of me. I flushed everything down the toilet. That was the most awkward hardest thing I think we ever had to do. I wouldn't hit the flusher my husband had to. Sorry my love but thank you for being there to help me. I couldn't stop bleeding though and I started to pass out and had to go to the ER. I was in there until 5:30 am and then went and had to have my D&C because my Uterus wasn't empty. I was put under and the next thing I knew I was healing.
The best words said to me
When I was waking from my procedure the thing I remember hearing the most was my doctor say "You look good in there and you could get pregnant next week if you want". I don't know why but this helped me so much. Maybe because I did feel so broken and he told me I wasn't. Maybe because I could choose. Things looked brighter from that point on. I was able to go home and that evening when my pain was lower I spent time with my three babies again. I remembered one thing that day fully remember that I AM ALREADY BLESSED WITH THREE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN. I had to snap out of it and go on for them. I have.
I am on birth control pills now. Will we ever have another baby probably. That is what God will decide. We will talk and attempt in a year or two when I feel like my body has recovered and I know it will be an emotional and stressful moment. Emotionally we will have to deal with while trying and finding out we are pregnant and going through the pregnancy. However we are ok.
I have designed a Flower tattoo with all my kids initials in the center (all their initials are AW) and I included a butterfly to show Angel Baby (we decided to save the names we had thought of for our next baby if we were going to have one and use Angel Baby because it is an A name and so true). I know notice butterfly's everywhere it is random but a sign. I go weekly and pray for my baby and for my baby and I to stay connected and know I love my baby. I have even started to go and pray to Mary the mother of God and ask for help with raising my children and for knowing when it is right for me to have another. I have learned to not look at the past but at the future. I will always have my days where I just cry and my hours of how much I wish I could have held my baby just once, however I have learned I am strong and I go on because I have three other beautiful and loved babies.
If you come upon this and have had a miscarriage I am sorry for your loss and I hope this helps you feel your not alone, or helps bring you comfort. If you never have I am so GLAD I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Please feel free to ask questions or chime in. If your a friend of mine and want to text me something. I am good to talk I may tear up (you know me I always do) but I don't mind talking about it.
If you were one of the people praying for me and my family Thank You. I never questioned GOD or was NEVER ANGRY WITH HIM but always looking to him and I believe this is from all your prayers. If you brought me a hug, dinner or took me out Thank you I am truly blessed. And for my wolf pack thank you for letting me talk to you and be honest about everything I was feeling.
For my husband Thank you for being my rock and my love. For being patient and loving and strong for us both. I love you.
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